View Full Version : Jokes - Funny Jokes
metallikat
14-03-2004, 00:19
A young boy and his grandfather always go fishing on Saturday mornings at the lake. Well, one Saturday morning while on one of these fishing trips, the grandpa is drinking a beer. The kid asks, "grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" and the grandfather says, "well, can your dick touch your ass?" The kid says, "no." The grandpa replies, "well, ask me again when your dick can touch your ass."
The next Saturday, on another fishing trip, the grandpa is drinking a beer and the kid asks his grandpa again, "can I have a sip of your beer?" The grandpa says, "well, can your dick touch your ass?" The kid answers, "yes, grandpa, my dick can touch my ass now." The grandpa looks at his grandson and says, "well, the you can go f**k yourself, cause this is my f**king beer!"
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Insane Asian
15-06-2004, 07:22
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replid.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a daddy long legs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replid. "Both of them are daddy long legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of shit in our garden."
xMeTaL HeAdx
08-07-2004, 00:38
Two sperm are swimming in a women''s body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just past the esophogus."
lol
exabuser
15-07-2004, 17:05
hah ha a poor widow goes tothe local newspaper to write an orbitiary for her dead husband she gives it to the clerk it reads "fred is dead funeral on thurs 2 pm" the clerk feels sorry for her and says she can have a couple of lines for freeafter writing some more she gives it back to him and it reads" fred is dead funeral on thurs 2 pm ford escort for sale £ 200"<img border="0" src= "http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley4.gif">
babybear
22-09-2004, 15:48
In a english class there where 3 students a rich one a poor one and a spanish one. The teacher then asks the children to construct a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
The Rich Boy : Mother made me a liver and cheese sandwich with all my fav. ingredients it was very pleasant.
The Poor Boy : My mom didnt want to go borrow cheese by the peoople that live next door so my dad did punch her in the liver.
The Spanish Boy : Me and me amigos werr jus chillin on the corner when they tryd 2 look up a girl's skirt. I said hey essay LIVER ALONE CHEESE MY SISTER !
thydarkprevails
25-10-2004, 22:39
so a man goes to an optomitrist for a problem with his eyes.
the good doc says, "sir, you are going to have to stop masturbating"
the man says "why, am i going blind?"
the doc says "no sir, you're disturbing the other patients!"
....................
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"
.........................
a priest is running the confession booth and has to pee bad..he sees a young man doing maintence work and asks him to take over for a minute, he explains that everything he needs to know is on a chart inside the booth..so the man complies
the first guy comes up and says, bless me father for i have sinned, i stole something....the man looks at the chart, and reads..10 hail mary's and you are forgiven,
another guy comes in and says bless me father for i have sinned, i lied to my wife, the man looks at the chart, and reads, 15 hail mary's and you are forgiven..
a third man comes and says, bless me father for i have sinned, i let my girlfriend give me a blowjob..the man looks and looks, but sees nothing on fellatio..he sees an alter boy outside and asks.....what does the priest give for blowjobs?
the alter boy replies....usually a can of coke and a candy bar
uhhhhhh, ive never heard that one.
One day a sheep rancher and his banker are riding their horses around the fence when the rancher sees a Uhe (female sheep) with her head caught in the fence. The rancer wastes no oppertunity and quickly dissmounts and starts to go to town on this poor sheep. Whe the rancher is finished he looks up at the banker then he looks down and says, "Do you want some of this?". The banker looks camly at the rancer and says, "Sure but do i have to get my head stuck in the fence."
A guy is walking along a beach and sees a handicapped girl with no
arms/legs sitting on a blanket crying. The man stops and asks what's
wrong. She says, "I'm so ugly I've never been hugged before." The man
the proceeds to pick her up and give her a hug. She says, "Thank you,
but I've never been kissed before either." The man then gives her a big
kiss. She then gets a huge smile and thanks him. She then says, "One
last thing, I've never been fucked before either." The man, still
holding her up, throws her into the ocean as far as he can and says,
"Now you're fucked."
windtraveler
22-01-2005, 03:02
The owner of a golf course in Arkansas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Univ. of Arkansas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14 % how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Arkansas women.
__________________________________________ ________________________
A group of Arkansas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
__________________________________________ _______________________
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Arkansas was overhead saying "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Arkansas."
When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++ +
The young Arkansas man came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young Arkansan answered. "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++
NEWS FLASH - Arkansas' worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Arkansas students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.
Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
================================================== ==========
An Arkansas State Trooper pulled over a pickup on 1-40.
The trooper asked "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
= ================================================== ==========
An Arkansas man had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, " I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."
Just out of the shower, a wooman stood in front of
her bedroom mirror complaining to her husband that
her breasts were too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he
uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion; "If
you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a
piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a
few seconds".
Willing to try anything, the woman took a piece of
toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between he breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," her
husband replied.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts
larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he said " It worked for your
ass, didn't it?"Edited by: woodman
i got a joke for ya...
an old widow is lonely and cant seem to find love no matter where she looks. she decides to post an ad in the paper hoping she will meet someone nice but she has had some bad relationships in the past so she makes these 3 requirements. you cant beat her, you cant run around on her, and you have to be good in bed. well about 3 weeks later, just as she was starting to lose hope, her door bell rings. she goes to the door to find a man in a wheel chair. he has no arms and no legs. the woman asks "may i help you?"..."im here about the ad, ive got no arms, so i cant beat you and ive got no legs so i cant run around on you"..."but how do i know your good in bed?"..."well, i rang your doorbell didnt i?"
VincentVan
14-02-2005, 12:41
A guy decides to give his wife a new wallet for S. Valentine so he walks into a shop to buy one. The employee shows him a leather wallet for $15
"it´s nice -he says-but a would like something more.. special, knowhattamean?"
"well- says the employee - we got this crocodile wallet for $50"
"it´s OK butI need something more exclusive " says the guy
"then" - the employee replies - "I have just What you need" and shows to the guy an apparently normal little wallet.
"So what´s special about this ?"
"This" - the employee says- "is a penis skin wallet and it cost $500"
"Penis skin? that´s disgusting, and why should it be so expensive?"
"because if you suck it a bit, it becomes a suitcase."
:laugh:The CIA has an opening. Thousands apply for the job. its narrowed down to three people. In order to get the job they all have to perform a task. The "employer" comes out and says to them,"To get the job you must first go and kidnap your spouse without them finding out who you are."
All the men go out and kidnap their wives and bring them back the the CIA headquarters. The women are kept in three seperate rooms. The "employer" comes to the three men again and says," To prove that you are loyal to us you mustshoot your wife."
The "employer"holds out a gun to the first man. The man says," what i could never do that!" He leaves.
The second man says," okay!" he grabs the gun but then breaks down and decides he cant do it.
The third man just grabs the gun and runs into the room with his wife in it. BANG, BANG,BANG, BANG!Six shot go off followed by a loud rumbling sound.
The man comes out of the room sweating and out of breath. The "employer" asks what happened.
The man says, " the gun was filled with blanks so i had to kill her with the chair."
................................
http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif
A woman goes into a confession booth and says forgive me father for I have sinned.
The priest asks what have you done my child?
She says," I called a man a son of a bitch."
The priest asks,"why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
"Well father he touched my hand"
"Like this? (touches her hand)"
"Yes father"
"Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
"But father, then he kissed me"
"Like this? (kisses her)"
"Yes father"
"Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
"But father then he took off my clothes"
"Like this? (takes off her clothes)"
"Yes father"
"Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
"But father then he had sex with me"
"Like this? (fucks her)
"Yes father, Yes, YES, YES, YES! OH FATHER YES!"
"Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch"
"But father he had aids"
"THAT SON OF A BITCH!"
Twoguys are lost in the jungle and captured by the local tribes men. Leader ofthe tribe asks the first guy, what do you want? Death or bo-ku. First guy says i dont want to die i choose Bo-ku. So they throw him in a pit of monkies and the monkies claw and butt fuck him to death. Then the leader of the tribe asks the second guy,what do you want? Death or Bo-ku?After seeing what happended to his friend he said fuck that, give me death.
Leader of the tribe says " ok....death by Bo-ku !!"
Stingray_313
24-02-2005, 23:29
I have heard that same joke before, but they called it "Ka-nab-in-oh".
And the guy was butt raped by the guards... all at the same time.
Classic.http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gifhttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley36.gif
jrock0069
01-03-2005, 04:50
I am a white guy who thinks he's black, therefor it's okay for me to say this joke.;)
An airplane flying over the pacific ocean loses an engine and starts to decend to the ocean. The captain nervously gets on the loud speaker and tells everybody what happened. Then says in an effort to maintain altitude they need to lose some extra weight and tells the passengers they will be dumping their luggage. A few moments later the captain gets back on the loud speaker and tells the passengers it didn't work and in a last attempt to save the lives of as many as possible, he tells them they must sacrifice the lives of some of the passengers to lose more weight. He tells them that it wont be in any prejudice or racist manor, it will be in alphabetical order. A moment later the captain says "all of the African-Americans, please go to the back of the plane"... but nobody gets up. Then he says "all of the black people, please go to the back of the plane"... again nobody gets up. Then the captain says "all of the colored people, please go to the back of the plane"...again nobody gets up, but a little girl asks her dad, "Daddy, I thought we were African-Americans" and the father replies, "no honey. Today were niggers and we go after the mexicans.":laugh:
If your of African decent and you find that offensive:mad:, then...
How long does it take a white bitch to take out the trash?
Nine months.:laugh:
PEACE!!!
jrock0069
01-03-2005, 05:20
A guy was riding his motorcycle cross country, when he ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere. After pushing his bike for about a mile, he came across an old farm. He knocked on the door and an old chinese man answered. The guy explained his situation and asked if he could buy some gasoline from the old man. The old man told him that he didn't have any, but sinse it was getting dark, he told the guy he could spend the night.The guy thanked him but was interrupted by the old man who said,"but only on one condition. Stay away from my daughter." The guy replied, "no problem." thinking that, this guy has to be 100years old and his daughter is must be like seventy.
So, a little while later dinner was ready and the old man told him to sit at the table. After a few minutes the most beautiful, young, big titted, apple bottomed asian chic comes down and sits across from him. During dinner she kept rubbing her feet between the guys legs and giving him "the look";). But, this did not go unnoticed, as he was headed up to his room, the old man stopped him and said, "I'm warning you. Stay away from my daughter, or you will have three chinese torchers played on you." The guy replied, "okay." and went to his room. As he was walking down the hall he saw the girl beckoning to him from her room. While laying in bed, he couldn't stop thinking about her. After about half an hour he decided to go to her room,after all the old man probably slept like a rock. So, he went to her room and very quietly they "got it on". Afterward, he crept back to his room and fell asleep.
The next morning as he awoke there was a big rock on his chest with a note taped to it saying,"Chinese torcher #1: Rock on chest." The guy got out of bed muttering, "stupid old man." and heaved the rock out the window. Then he heard an unraveling noise coming from the floor.As he looked down he saw a rope unraveling on the floor with a note in the middle saying, "Chinese torcher #2: Rope tied to rock and right testical." The guy frantically tried to get it off but couldn't, so he jumped out the window as well. As he was flyingout the window, he noticed a big sign outside saying, "Chinese torcher #3: Rope tied to left testical and bedpost.":cry:
OUCH..... http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gifhttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gifhttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gifhttp://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley19.gif
Grab my own balls to feel if they still exist..
jrock0069
01-03-2005, 23:34
lol. I know what you mean.I feel pain just telling that joke.
Three construction workers, a black guy, Mexican guy and a Polish guy all sat down for lunch on the 45th floor of a skyscraper they were building. After a minute, the black guy starts complaining about his lunch. "I hate fried chicken. Every day for the last 20 goddamn years, she has been making me the same thing." The Mexican guy replied, " I know exactly what you mean. My wife has been making me the same old carne asada burrito for fifteen years man." Then the Polish guy said, "Yeah, I've been getting peanutbutter and jelly for five years." After a moment, the black guy said "Fuck it. If I get this one more day, I swear to god I'll jump." Then the Mexican and Polish guy's said said the same. The next day at lunch, they all just sat there and looked at eachother (their honor was at steak).Then after half their lunch break, the black guy opened his lunchbox and sure enough it was fried chicken. He got pissed and started swearing. Then after a minute he jumped..."AHHHHH"..splat. Then the Mexican guy opened his and sure enough, it was a carne asada burrito. After a moment of cursing in spanish he also jumped..."AHHHHH"..splat. Finally, the Polish guy opened his and saw it was a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich and jumped..."AHHHHH"..splat. A half an hour later, there are cops evrywhere and police tape all around the bodies, when all of the sudden, all you can hear is three women screaming. They all ran to their husbands and started crying.."WHY? WHY? OH WHY GOD?" Then another construction worker said that he heard them talking about their lunches and they just jumped.The black woman said, "No. That can't be. He loves fried chicken, it's his favorite. I've made it for him for 20 years." Then the Mexican woman said, "I don't believe it. Carne asada burritowas his favorite. I've made it for him for 15 years." Finally the Polish woman said,"I don't understand. He makes his own lunch.":laugh:
.....................
One day, a navy shipdocked at a fairly large city and a group of friends all decided to go find some hookers. However, one of their good friends refused to go with them. The man was clearly suffering from depression. When they asked him whyhe wouldn't go he replied, "All I want to do is die." His friends would not accept his answer and they dragged him along to the nearest whore house. When they went in, the maddame of the house asked them what kind of girl they wanted. The first two men wanted blondes, so the maddame said, "Top of the stairs, first two doors on the right." another wanted an asian woman, so the maddame pointed him towards a door down the hall. Then she finally came to the depressed guy and asked him, "So, what about you. What kind of girl do you like?" But the man replied, "All I want to do is die." The maddame looked at him and said she had just the woman for him. She told him to go to the top of the stairs and to theend of the hall. When he went inside, there was a huge fat woman in there. Had to be at least 700lbs(about 300kg). She asked him, "What can I do for you?" The man replied, "All I want to do is die." The woman asked him, "Well wouldn't you like to make love first?" The man told her that he didn't care. So, she went into the bathroom and when she came out she had on a belt that squeezed her waist down to about 10 inches. She asked the man if he was ready and he said, "sure." He climbed on top of her and started bangin' her. After about 10 minutes he was done, still laying on top, inside her she asked, "How do you feel now?" The man replied, "All I want to do is die." The woman told him to press the release button on her belt and he complied. As soon as he pressed the button, the belt went flyingand "SLUURRRP".:s
.........................
One day,a guy walkes into a whore house lookin' to get laid. The maddame of the house told him thatall of the girls were busy and he should go down the hall and wait in one of the rooms.As he was waiting, he noticed a bowl full of white apples. They looked shiny and sweet so he decided to have one. After a few minutes, a woman comes in and screams and runs back out. The guy was very confused and was wondering if he was in the right room. After a moment, the maddame of the house came in and asked him what was the matter. He replied, "Nothings the matter. I came here to get laid and you send me a psychopath." The maddame asked, "How do you mean?" The guy said, "I was just sitting here, enjoying one of these delicious apples and some lunatic comes in here, screams and runs out." "But, Sir." the maddame replied, "Those aren't apples. Those are last nights abortions."http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/smileys/smiley11.gif
One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends.
Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed.
He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, " Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes I did." She said, Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K." She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then." Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
.........................
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class. But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!
......................
Lil' Tyrone (a black boy) is out painting a fence white. He looks at the white paint andwonders what it would be like to be white so he paints himself white. One of the black neighbors comes by, looks at Tyrone, smacks him andscreams, "What have you done, Tyrone! Go inside and show your mother what you've done!" Tyrone goes inside and shows his mother who says, "OMG, what happened?". Tyrone replied, "I wanted to see what it would be like to be white." His mother beat him and send himto his roomsaying, "Go to your room and wait till your father comes home!"
Tyrone's father comes home and goes into Tyrone's room. "Tyrone, what did you do?". Tyrone whimpered, "I just wanted to see what it would be like if I were white." Tyrone's father whoops his ass and tells Tyrone, "I hope you learned something from all this." Tyrone yells back, "Yes I did, I've only been white for a few hours and I already hate all you niggers!"
jrock0069
02-03-2005, 03:50
An airplane flying over the Atlantic Ocean lost an engine and started to decend into the ocean. The captain got on the loud speaker and told the passengers, "We're going down. Everybody say your prayers and hope the coast guard finds in time." The anti-terrorist marshall pulled out his gun and made evrybody give up their money. When asked why he was doing that he replied. "When the rescuers come, they will see all of this money floating in the water and rescue me." After that, a blond started digging through eveybody's luggage. When asked what she was doing she replied, "If I get a bunch of gold and jewels the rescuers will se me sparkling in the water and save me." Then, a man grabs a fat black lady and starts to bang her. When asked what he was doing he replied, "When an airplane goes down, the first thing they look for is the black box and I'm going to be all up in it."
:laugh::laugh:
...........................
One day, little Timmy came home from school and asked his mother, "Mommy, what is an asshole?" and his mother replied, "why thats what I work for." The following day little Timmy came home and asked, "Mommy what is shit?" Mommy said, "Thats what we eat dear." The next day little Timmy came home and said, "Mommy, what does fucking mean?" his mother told him, "Thats when me and your Daddy are getting dressed." About a week later, they were having an important guest over for dinner. Timmy's mother told him to get the door when it rang. The doorbell rang and Timmy answered, "Hi asshole, shits on the table. Mom and dad are up stairs fuckin'."
..........................
So, these two guys are having an arguement at a skyscraper rooftop party. They both had quite a bit to drink and one of them was telling the other, "We're so high up, that if you jumped off the roof into a gust of wind, it would push you back up." the other guy replied, "Yeah right. What the hell have you been smokin'?" So the guy thought for a moment and said, "I can proove it. I'll bet you a round of drinks for everybody at this party that I can."The other guythought about it for a while and agreed. So, both of them went to the side of the roof and looked off the edge. He told him to just save his own life and not do it but the guy refused to back out of the bet, saying, "Theres a trick to it. All you have to do, is wait until you start feeling the wind press against you and jump." After standing on the ledge for a moment he said, "I can feel the wind." So he jumped out into the sky, and sure enough he was floating there until the wind pushed him back onto the rooftop. The other guy started freakingout saying, "Thats not possible! How did that just happen?" The guy told him, "It's all just waiting for the right gust of wind. However, you owe everyone here a drink." "Theres like 500 people here, I can't afford that. Theres gotta be something else I can do." he replied.The guy thought about it for a second and said, "Okay then, you do it." After a few minutes of working up his courage he said, "Fine. Just tell me how you did it." The other guy told him, "Just stand by the ledge and when you feel the wind press against you, jump out and keep your body open so the wind can push you back up." So he climbed out onto the ledge and after a moment he said, "I feel the wind! I feel thewind!" "Jump!" said the other guy. "Before you miss it." The guy jumped...AHHHHH..splat. The other guy turned around and went back to the bar to get another drink. The bartender said, "Fuck superman! Your such an asshole when your drunk!"
............................
One day, superman was flying around feeling extremely horny. All that was going through his mind was getting laid. After flying around for a while he saw Wonder Woman on a rooftop getting a tan. Only she was asshole naked, spread eagle and everything. Thinking to himself, "I'm Superman. I can fly down there at super speed, bang her and be gone before she knew what hit her." A second later he flew down, boned her and was gone in a flash. "Holy shit! what the hell was that!" Wonder Woman Screamed. "I don't know, but my asshole is on fire!" replied the Invisible Man.
...................
A little boy and his Grandfather went fishing out in a lake. After fishing for an hour or so, the Grandfather started to smoke a cigar. The little boy asked his Grandfather, "Grampa, can I have some of your cigar?" Grampa replied, "Does your dick reach your ass?" The little boy answered, "No." and Grampa said, "Then theres your answer." A little while later, Grampa started to drink a beer. The little boy asked his Grampa, "Grampa, can I have some of your beer?" his Grampa replied, "Does your dick reach your ass?" "No." said the little boy. "Then theres your answer." said Grampa. After they finished fishing, they decided to have lunch. The little boy's mother had packed him some fresh cookies, so he started to eat them. The little boy's Grampa asked, "Can I have one of those cookies?", "Does your dick reach your ass?" replied the boy. "Yes it does." his grampa said. "Then go fuck yourself!" replied the boy.
...........................
A bus full of nuns crashed one day and four of them died. Soon they were at the pearly gates of heavenand St. Swim;)(I don't remember which St. it's supposed to be) was waiting there for them. He told them to get in a line and called the first nun forward saying, "This is your last chance to confess your sins." the nun said, "I only have one to confess. I've touched a mans penis before, with this one finger." St. Swim replied, "Dip your finger into the holy water and you may pass." So she did and the gates opened, doves flew and she floated into the clouds. Then the second nun came forward and said, "I have also touched a mans penis, with this one hand." St. Swim replied, "Dip your hand into the holy water and you may pass." So she did and the gates opened, doves flew and she floated into the clouds. A moment later the third nun came forward, but was pushed aside by the fourth nun. St. Swim told her she had to wait her turn. She replied, "Oh no, I'm not going to drink that water after she sticks her ass in it!"
....................
Here's a great joke to leave open ended so your friends become the butt of the joke.
One day, a gay man came home to his lover, excited about a new game he learned. He told his lover, "I learned the greatest game today." "Well what is it?" hislover asked. "I'll blindfold you and find an object around the house to put in your ass, then you try to guess what it is." His lover got excited and they began to play. After blindfolding his lover, he looked around the house and got the broomstick and procededto insert it in his partners ass. His lover said, "Oooh. It's ahh...it's ahhh...it's a broomstick! It's a broomstick!" "Yes!!" his partner yelled, "Thats right. My turn, It's my turn!" So his lover blindfolded him a went looking around the house. After a moment, he found a baseball bat and proceded to put it in his lovers rear. "It's ahhh...it's ahhh...it's a baseball bat! It's a baseball bat!" his lover said. "Thats right. My turn again!" So he blindfolded his lover and went looking around the house. He went into the bathroom and got the...(Now, pay attn. Here is where you get your friends. You have to pretend to be plunging the toilet with your hands and act like you forgot what its called, but make it obvious that a plunger is what he got. When your friends help you with the word, you say.."You've played this game before?")
...........................
So, there are three guys at workhaving a conversation. A black haired guy, a brown hairedguy and a blond guy. The black haired man started talking about how stupid his wife was. Saying, "My wife is so stupid. Yesterday, I let her use my car to go shopping and she put diesel fuel in my car." The brown haired man replied, "My wife is even stupider. Last week she bought an expensive vacume cleaner from a door to door salesman and we don't even have carpeting." Then the blond guy said, "Thats nothing. My wife is so stupid that she carry's condoms aroundin her purse and she doesn't even have a dick."
two hookers were standing on the street corner waiting for buisness, one hooker takes a deep breath and says "ahh..tonights goin to be a good night, I can smell the cock in the air.", The other hooker says "No..sorry i jus burped!!"
jrock0069
05-03-2005, 02:46
Looks like that horse made an ass of himself. lol:laugh:
So, a guy walkes into a bathroom in a bar to take a leak. When he walkes in, he notices a man standing in front of the urinal with his hands hanging in front of his chest. He ignors the man and does his business but, on the way out the man said, "Pssst. Hey buddy, do you think you could help me out here?" the guy replied, "What do you mean?" "I was wondering if you could unzip me?" he quickly responded by saying, "No!" but after thinking, that was rood the guy is obviously handicaped, he decided to help. "Well alright." he said. He looked around the bathroom and saw that there was nobody else in there, So he unziped him and started to walk out. As he headed for the door the man said, "Wait!...Do you think you could pull it out for me?" "Hell no!" said the guy. But then he thought about the guys handicap anddecided to help. So he reached over, pulled out the guys dick and ran to go wash his hands. "Ahhh...Thanks buddy." the man said. "No problem." he replied. As he was walking out, the man said, "Wait! I hate to bother you again and you've been so nice to me but, do you think you could shake it off and zip it up for me please?" "No way. Theres no way I'm doing that." he replied. But after thinking about the mans handicap, he complied. He looked to make sure nobody was coming, then shook the guy's dick, zipped him up and ran to wash his hands. "Thank you." the the man said. "No problem." the guy replied. But, after a second his curiosity got the better of him and he asked, "I don't mean to offend you or anything like that but, why are your arms like that?" The man replied as he was walking out, "Wet nails."
I don't know how well I delivered this joke. But you must forgive any errors. For you see, a couple of hours ago, SWIM took 500mgs of DXM and focusing his mind on this task has prooved to be very difficult, to say the least.:s
horses shit
Man some good stories shootin coke and shit i dono now take this
Dan was walkin up in the street when he saw this sexy foxy going around the block, he decided he got to score this shit, he went up to her and sayd hell throw 100 buks on the floor and while she's bending over to pick them hewill beallowed to do every thing he got on his mind, the woman went back home to ask her husbend about this shit and he sayed she should do it 4extra money.... the next day she mat Dan she toled him shes going up 4 it and so she did.... in the evening when she went back home she was so fuckingakk banged out and shit so the suprised husbend asked his wife what happened she sayed crying: the son of a bizzzatch threw me the money with nickels
ha ha some funny shit all the way from Israel yo
jrock0069
20-03-2005, 23:49
Three guys die and go to hell. A white guy, latin guy and a black guy. Once there, they all started to whimper and begged the devil to let them live back on Earth. The devil said, "Ok. I'll make a deal with you. If you can make it up this staircase of beautiful women without getting a boner, then you may live. However, If you fail, I will burn your dick off and you will spend eternity in hell." The white guy was first to try. As soon as he saw the staircase of naked women beckoning to him, he immediately got hard. The devil garbbed his dick,burnt it off and sent him to suffer in the flames of hell. Next up, was the latin guy. He decided to think about what happened to the white guy to stay limp. About half way up, he saw the woman of his dreams, spread eagle and fingering herself. As soon as he saw that, he got a boner and suffered the same fate as the white guy. Now the black guy was nervous, so he shut his eyes and started up the stairs. He almost made it to the top when he tripped and landed face first between the legs of his dream woman. As soon as he smelled her pussy he became hard. So, the devil started to laugh and grabbed his dick but, nothing happened. The devil was confused, his power didn't work. The black guy said, "Hasn't anybody told you? Milk chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand."
.......................
After being out to sea for a few years, a navy mans ship came into port in a small town. The man hadn't been laid for a very, very long time and was anxious to finally find a woman. However, the town he was in didn't have any prostitutes. He asked one of the locals, "How do people get laid around here?" the local replied, "We don't have any women around here and the nearest town is miles away so, most of us just use this goat here." The man was reluctant to resort to that but, he was really horny. So, he took the goat to a hotel, washed it and had his way with it. When he came out, there was a group of locals staring at him. The man said, "What are you looking at? I thought you guys use the goat to get laid around here." One of the locals replied, "Yes, but most of us just ride the goat to the city to get a hooker."
.......................
One day, three midgets were having a conversation about how they never get any respect. These midgets were no ordinary midgets though, one of them had really huge feet, another one had really huge hands and the third one had a really, really small penis. The midget with the big hands said, "I know how we can get respect. We all have these special attributes, me with my big hands, you with your bigfeet and you with yoursmall dick. I bet if we went to Guinness World Records, we could get into their book." They allgot excited and went to Guinness. Once there, the midget with the big hands went first. After about 2 hours he came out and said with an excited tone, "I'm in! I'm the midget with the worlds biggest hands." They all got excited and gave eachother a high-five. Then, the midget with the big feetwent in. After about 3 hours he came out full of joy and exclaimed, "I'm in! I'm the midget with the world's biggest feet." Once again they all gave eachother a high-five and the midget with the tiny dick went in. Hours went by and finally he came out but, he was all pissed off and grumbling. "Whats the matter? Didn't you set a record?" his friends asked. "NO!" he replied angrily. "Who the fuck is (insert your name here.)":laugh:
.........................
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I won the pimp of the year award? Well, this was about two years ago. At the award show there were ho's everywhere. After I won the award, I decide to go home with a couple of them. Once there, we engaged in some wild, freaky, nasty, dirty sex. I was putting it in every hole you can imagine. In fact, I even poked one of their eyes out and started to skull f*ck her. When I was done and heading home to my lady the ho asked me if she would ever see me again. I told her I was always in the neighborhood and she replied "Ok then, I'll keep an eye out for you.";)
...........................
One day, a one eyed man went into a pet shop. When the salesman asked him what kind of pet he wanted he replied that he didn't know. He told the salesman that he recently lost his eye and felt like he needed a companion. "I've got just the pet for you." the salesman said and took him to look at a talking parrot. "It's beautiful....I'll take him." said the man. Once he got the parrot home, he started to talk to it. "What's your name?" he asked the parrot. "Fuck you one eye." replied the parrot. Angrily, he threw the sheet over the parrots cage and left. After a few hours he came back to the parrot and asked, "Would you like something to eat parrot?" "Fuck you one eye." replied the parrot. This infuriated the man. "Say that to me again and I'll rip your tounge out." the man shouted and threw the sheet over the cage again. In the evening, he came back and took the sheet off the cage. He quietly looked at the parrot and the parrot looked back..."Fuck you one eye." said the bird. The man went nuts and ripped the parrots tounge out. "Now what do you have to say, you stupid bird?" yelled the man. The parrot looked up at him, covered an eye with his wing and flipped him the middle finger.
This one i have to translate from german so i might be just killing th pointe but ill try
2 brothers on christmas. They get their presents.
The one brother gets a bycicle, a computer, 200$ cash, a dvd player with10 discs, a whole lot of sweets and a playstation.
The other brother gets only a book.
Says the brother with the many presents: "Hey, did you ever think of that our parents might like me more than you?"
Says the brother with only the book: "Did you ever think of that you might have cancer?"
jrock0069
27-03-2005, 01:08
For this joke you will require 5 American pennies.(place all face up)
Take one penny and place it face up on the table and ask:
Do you see a smell?....................It's a cent.
Place another penny right next to it and ask:
Do you see fruit?........................It's a pear.
Place another penny above those (should resemble triangle) and ask:
Do you see car's?.......................It's three Lincoln's.
Place the fourth penny next to that one (should resemble a square):
Do you see snake's?................... It's four copperhead's.
Place the fifth penny above those(should resemble a circle) ask:
Do you see pussy?......................Not for five cent's you wont.
Joy_of_Salad
30-03-2005, 19:11
A bear is taking a shit in the woods. He's finishing up, but he's in a bit of a jam, not having brought toilet paper. Then a rabbit comes along and takes a shit next to him. When the rabbit is finished, the bear notices as he uses a fallen maple leaf to clean up. This gives him an idea. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Two guys in front of a tv sitting on a couch.
Blind Man:If i was even a little gay i'd fuck a monkey.
Deaf Man: What? What are you talking about.?
Blind Man: Hey since when do you talk?
DM: I'm deaf not stupid.
BM: Change the channel i need some beer.
DM: .....
BM: Whats wrong with you dumbass change the channel.
DM: 'licks his lips'
BM: Why is there peanut butter on my leg?
DM: dude stfu im trying to listen to the game.
BM: Hey man fuck you.
.................
Wanna lose some weight?
Take a piss.
Count to 4. Thats 4 seconds youll never get back.
In kindergarten i learned how to finger paint. In first grade i learned how to count to 3. In second grade i learned that the word fuck is bad. In fourth grade i learned that sex makes people. In fifth grade i learned that heteorosexual sex makes people. In sixth grade i learned what heteorosexual means. In seventh grade i learned that there are a hundred people in the same grade. In eighth grade i realized the education system sucks.
Pinball_map
23-05-2005, 20:46
a police officer pulls up to a car at makeout point to find a guy and a girl sitting ina car. he walks up to the car to find a guy in the driver seat reading a magazine and a girl in the back seat knitting. the police officer asks "what are you 2 doing?" the guy replies and says "well im reading a magazine and shes knitting" the police officer asks "how old are you?" the guy replies "24 sir" then the police officer says "and how old is she?" the guy looks at his watch and says "18 in about 11 minutes".
I was on a flight to NY recently..... flew british airways 1st class. Anyway we had taken off and just got to cruiseing altitude when the captain came on the intercom with his usual bit about 'ok ladies and genteman, we are now flying at 36, 000 feet, around 600 mph with a light tailwind, and should get to JFK at around 6pm local time' .......thinking that he had disingaged the intercom he turned to his co-pilot and said 'you know right now i could really just do with a coffey and a blowjob, you know what i mean?'
Back in the cabin, a shocked air hostess runs towards the cockpit to tell the pilot that he's left the intercom on. As she runs up the isle a loud and rather large american lady shouts out to her 'hey honey don't forget the coffey!'
-----------------------------
not a one liner i know but still (from good will hunting i think)
http://www.funnyhub.com/images/spacer.gifhttp://www.funnyhub.com/jokes/pages/images/spacer.gif
A Hell of a Decision
A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.
"I choose this room!" the man says.
"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. "You can go now. I've found you're replacement." stick that one in yer pipe and smoke it, big time platinum member.:smoking:
Nature Boy
18-05-2006, 02:11
I'm big time? Sweet.
The Black Dahlia Murder
31-05-2006, 12:45
Ah the flaw of us men, our penis makes all the decisions before the brain near women.
old hippie 56
17-10-2006, 02:02
The snake and the bunny
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, There lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, And the snake was slithering through the forest, When the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind Since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In Fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know What I am."
"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story Is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, And also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are So at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really Long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony Tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious Excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help You the same way that you've helped me."
So the Bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked Tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a Democrat"
When the punchline of a joke is "funny" because it reiterates popular stereotypes, ya know there's a lack of imagination involved...
mickenator
17-10-2006, 20:59
But polaticians don't.
StigmataLectron
18-10-2006, 07:15
I still find it funny.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
old hippie 56
28-10-2006, 02:01
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that
the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a
Halloween party."
.......................
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
......................
No disrespect meant for women in this joke
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife’s."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further,
"Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
radagast
29-01-2007, 21:26
superman was flying along when down on a rooftop he saw wonder woman sunbathing naked he thinks "nice" swoops down and slips her a superman fast length then gets up and flies off all this happens in the blink of an eye.
wonder woman sits up and goes what the hell was that then the invisible man climbs off her and says i dont know but my arse is sore
Riconoen {UGC}
03-04-2007, 20:23
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
"First I come out, wearing a tuxedo, playing Brahms. Just as the music reaches a crescendo, my wife in an evening gown runs on stage and undresses me before dancing provocatively on top of the piano.
Just as I finish playing the song with my cock, my wife strips and does a backflip off the piano in a split on stage. Once her naked ass hits the floor, my 7 year old daughter and 13 year old son rush on stage juggling flaming lawn darts. My wife does a handstand and catches the lawn darts in her cunt, she then manages to queef them out, making her the third part of this juggling act.
The queefs force her to squeeze out a few turds, which I eagerly start smearing on my naked body, which arouses me quickly. Once I'm fully aroused my daughter and son take turns blowing me while my wife straps on a monstrous dildo and begins reaming each child while i ejaculate in the eyes of my offspring.
Once I cum, I run into the audience, shit-covered body still sticky with cum and grab my parents and in-laws to involve them into the act. I strip them all nude and instruct them to start a circle jerk while screaming racial slurs. So my mother and father-in-law start screaming, "Fuck the niggers" while mutually masturbating, and my father and mother-in-law begin diddling one another and chanting, "I hate spics and jews!" Once they reach a geriatric climax, my wife uses their ejaculate to lube up her fist which she uses to start fisting me.
As my asshole is violated, I start playing double dutch with my kids, and once they get tangled in the ropes, start a torrid 69. All the sucking and slurping cause my in-laws and parents to get aroused again and they start sodomizing and fisting one another.
My wife at this point has completely started dry-heaving, so she vomits all over my ass and my back. I line up each of my family members who take turns licking the chunks of spew off my back and out of my ass.
By now my children have to defecate so I tell them to shit in each other's favorite orifices. My son, ever the trooper takes a thick, dense shit in his sister's vagina while my daughter shits in my son's nose.
My young daughter also conveniently starts her menstrual cycle shortly thereafter, and the menses and boy-shit in her cunt make for great lube, as each of my in-laws begin fucking my daughter. My son, blinded in shit, heads back to the piano and does his best Stevie Wonder impression while my wife runs back into the audience to grab a toddler from the crowd.
She begins stuffing this child into her vagina, while my parents begin screaming how she's possessed by Satan and start performing a nude exorcism on her. The power of christ compels them to kill the toddler, which also makes it easier to cram into my wife's lovehole.
By now, I'm so horny and aroused that I start fucking the dead baby inside my wife while my young son starts licking my asshole and fingering his paternal grandparents. My in-laws finish abusing my daughter and start wrestling each other, which culminates in a huge powerbomb through the piano bench. The impact shatters my mother-in-law's hips, leaving her crippled.
The strain of the throw caused my father's bad heart to seize, and he collapses in a heap on the stage. As he gurgles and foams at the mouth, my daughter runs over and begins rubbing her shit covered pussy lips all over my crippled mother-in-law.
My wife grabs the wooden shards of the piano bench and begins playing her father's dying body like a xylophone. My son pulls his tongue out of my asshole and begins sucking his dying grandfather's cock.
I diall 911 and call for the paramedics who revive my father-in-law and then take turns fucking my daughter and eating the menses and shit out of her tight cunt.
Once he's conscious we all assemble in a large circle holding hands and chanting gibberish before launching into a rousing group impression of 'A Downs Syndrome' perspective on the horrors of the holocaust, 9/11 and the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
As we're moaning and screaming, my son runs off-stage to get the family dog. The dog runs over to my crippled mother-in-law and begins peeing on her. Once the dog finishes leaving her in a puddle of piss, my daughter stops blowing the paramedics to light the dog on fire.
The dog yelps and howls before collapsing. My son runs over to fuck the burnt corpse while screaming, "White is right!"as my daughter begins goose-stepping around the stage, squeezing shit out of her cunt and offering Nazi salutes to the audience.
My father-in-law begins raping my father, claiming that he's doing it for the forgotten Vietnam vets and POWs. My mother puts my crippled mother-in-law on her shoulders as I put my wife on my shoulders and we play a game of naked chicken.
Once my son finishes fucking the dead dog. He takes the pieces of the piano bench and begins crucifying the corpse. Once the dog is hung like jesus, he begins weeping at the foot of the cross, saying, "Why my god have you forsaken me?"
My daughter mounts the top of the crucifix, using it as a wooden dildo. My parents, my in-laws and my wife join hands at the center of the stage and start singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music"
I grab the lawn darts and shove one up everyone's ass before heading back to the piano to finish off the show with a rendition of Freebird."
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
~lostgurl~
24-07-2007, 02:30
[Threads merged]
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married:
The other night I was invited for a night out with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said:
"Well last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘Oh shit’, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
~lostgurl~
11-08-2007, 10:12
In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I get away with it?"
..........................
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of firstgraders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say: Red..............cherry, Yellow..........lemon, Green...........lime, Orange.........orange.
Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father... One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out all over the table and yelled "Everybody, spit them out! They're assholes!!!".
old hippie 56
12-08-2007, 18:00
Oklahoma State joke: Bubba had been going to OSU (formerly, Oklahoma A&M) for 11 years and just couldn't graduate, so one day the dean of students calls Bubba in to his office and says "Bubba,we're going to give you the opportunity to graduate, in a month, at the halftime of the homecoming football game, we are going to bring you out on stage and ask you one question....if you get it right, you get your degree, if you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back."
Bubba agreed to this and ran off to start studying, he studied day and night, night and day for a month, and finally the day came. It was a special day with homecoming and Bubbas shindig, so the whole stadium was packed with people who had attended and are attending OSU, thousands and thousands of OSU students and alumni waited to see how Bubba would do.
The dean stepped up and said, "Bubba are you ready for your question?" and Bubba said he was.
The dean said, "Bubba, what is 3 x 3?"
Bubba thought about it for about ten minutes, finally stepped up to the mike and said "9?"
Before the dean could answer, thousands of OSU students and alumni jumped up and yelled, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE"
A AGGIE JOKE
A Longhorn, a Red Raider, and an Aggie are preparing to go on a 3 day journey through the desert. Each of them are allowed to bring ONE item with them on their journey. The Longhorn declares he is going to bring a compass with him to find his way. The Texas Tech Red Raider says he is going to bring an extra canteen in case he gets thristy. Finally the Aggie blurts out that he is going to bring a "car door". The two other puzzlingly ask the aggie why the hell he wants to lug around a car door in the middle of the desert for three days, to which he replies..."because stupid! If I get hot I can just roll down the window!"
~lostgurl~
20-08-2007, 12:28
Little Johnny asks: Daddy, how was I born?
Dad Says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
~lostgurl~
11-10-2007, 14:29
Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend's and none of them confirm that.
Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!
Conclusion of the story: Men are better friends!!!!
old hippie 56
12-10-2007, 18:08
"Many Uses Of Vaseline"
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young
woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm
doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said,
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle
chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do
use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so
far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on
the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
wow... some horrible, horrible jokes here. Maybe about 5 of them even worth reading. The Superman/WonderWoman/InvisibleMan one was probably the best. Not putting anyone down, but damn. especially riconens stupid ass aristocrat joke. what a sick, sick mother fucker he was. Sorry. I would just expect more from people that (dont) use mind expanding drugs. ;)
here's another lame one:
Did you hear about the kid in Texas that was born without eyelids. They performed a surgery where they used his cut foreskin for eyelisds. He's a little cockeyed now, though.
That's really lame...it's only funny if you tell it like an actual story, but its the only one off the top of my head.
Mr.Speedy
20-11-2007, 04:29
Indeed some really great jokes out here :p.
Now it's my turn.
A Dutch and a Belgian dude are sailing the ocean with their boat when all the sudden a storm sets in.The boat sinks but they see that they aren't far from an island.They swim towards there and strand on the island.But it appears to be full of natives en those natives capture them.They put them both in a cooking pot ready to get eaten up.The Belgian guys asks if there's nothing they can do to be left alive.The chief tells them to go look in the forrest and take 100 pieces of the same fruit back to the camp.They start searching and after 2 hours the Belgian guy returnes with 100 small berrys."Now you gotta put 'em up your ass without lauging one single time" said the chief.The Belgian start counting 1,2,3........98,99.He then bursts into a laugh and they put him back in the pot.They ask him "now that you are going to die,wath was so funny?"The Belgian replies:"Well I just see that other guy returning with 100 coconuts!"
Grtz
(To be read out loud)
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara).
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or a traveling nomad, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, streaky bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first guy. "ees a bacon tree!!! We are saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within a few feet of the tree there's the sudden sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh....,run,amigo.....run!! ees...ees.... not a Bacon Tree"
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."ees... a....
Ham bush"
I'll get my coat.
pillpopper96743
05-01-2008, 03:06
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit: "Do you mind having shit stuck to your fur?" The rabbit replies "No why do you ask? The bear then picks the rabbit up and wipes his ass with him.
A week later the same bear and rabbit are walking in the woods together and bear finds a golden lamp 'and of course he rubs it and a genie pops out.' The genie asks bear what his wish would be. Bear replies "I wish that the woods were filled with hot girl bears." The genie grants his wish and a second later it comes true. Bear then goes off to enjoy his wish. The genie then asks rabbit what his wish would be. Rabbit thinks back to the time Bear had used him as a wipe and says "I wish Bear was gay."
A potagee(portugese), a japanese and a filipino are skydiving off of a plane 100,000 ft above ground level. The japanese goes off first and opens his parachute out of fear of dying. The filipino and the potagee jump off at the same time and are both at eye level in the drop. They both open their parachutes at the same time. The potagee then says to the filipino "What bra, you like race?" He then unstraps his parachute and drops.
Okay, are you ready. This is the funniest joke in the world, it was discovered by a year long research project that involved people all over the world rating jokes:
Two guys are out in the woods hunting, when one of them passes out and falls over. The other guy checks his pulse and doesn't feel anything so he calls emergency services, "Help me, I think my friend may be dead." The operator on the line responds "Sir I can help. First make sure that he's dead." The operator hears a gun shot, then a long pause, "Okay, now what?"
PingoTango
27-02-2008, 23:00
Three pieces of string go into a bar. The first piece of string pipes up, "Oi, baldy, get me a vodka red bull, now!", to which the barman replies "We don't serve string in here. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
The second piece of string, thinking that if he asks the barman more politely and respectfully, he will get served, enquires "Oh, barkeep, if itsn't too much trouble, could I perhaps order a Cognac?", to which the barman frustratedly replies "You heard me, we don't serve string here. Get out!"
The third piece of string sneaks off to the bathroom, ties himself into a loop and messes up his hair, returns to the bar and confidently asks the barman for a double Southern Comfort. The barman eyes him suspiciously and says, "Hey, aren't you a piece of string?", to which the string innocently replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
LOL :confused:
~lostgurl~
08-03-2008, 04:25
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.
Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.
Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?
A Harley Davidson.
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
hairy-pothead
25-04-2008, 01:16
wich one is the odd one out ?
a fridge
a toaster
a women
or a washing machine ?
the toaster its the only one that dosnt leak when its f**ked
old hippie 56
25-04-2008, 05:44
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off...confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."
mickenator
13-07-2008, 14:59
Top 10 things to say about a christmas gift you don't like.
10. Hey! Now there's a gift !
9 Well, well, well ....
8. Boy, if I had not shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire ! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious !
4. I love it - but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my christmas gifts to charity.
1. I really don't deserve this.
~lostgurl~
24-07-2008, 08:01
A Kiwi ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Aussie: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Aussie: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Aussie: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Aussie: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......'
i'm not one for blasfemeeeeee cos i dont like to offend peoples beliefs so the following can cause sensitive feelings for sensitive people. but some one told me this 1st joke & it was funny. thought it was a funny way people can look at things.
why could jesus walk on water?
cos shit floats.
.................................................. .........................................
whats the height of desperation?
a nun doing sit ups in a corn field. ''corny i know''
.................................................. ........................................
Hans vas a Norvegian vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut ven he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the clinik and ven he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Hans and said, 'Let's hafe da finkers and I'll see vat I can do.'
Hans said, 'I hafe not got da finkers.' 'Vat you mean, you hafe not got da finkers?' he asked. 'Lordy! It's 2008! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vy did not you brink da finkers?'
Hans responded:'How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?'
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..............
I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower.
I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies,
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"!!!! -
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why would'nt you find a jew raving it up in a german night club?
there's rumours in the community of lethal gasses in the smoke machines! 'my sick sense of humour'
.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ....
AN Indian guy goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds
himself a prostitute. He asks her, 'How much do you charge for the hour?"
'$100,' she replies. So he asks, 'awright do you do Indian style?' She says 'No!' He then asks her, 'I'll pay you $200 to do The Indian style?' She again says no, not knowing what the Indian style was ! So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer. So finally he says, 'I'll give you $500 to go Indian style with me!'
Finally she agrees thinking, 'Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Indian style be?'
So she goes ahead and has s*x with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was fantastic.
I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Indian style' come in?'
The Indian guy replies... 'I'll pay you next week'
sylenth added 199 Minutes and 58 Seconds later...
what does UTFSE really mean when telling it to someone on the forum?
utilise the fucking search engine...
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a longtime wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
in some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to
compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the
end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather
coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I
had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was
so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and
there!'
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When
my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black
mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on
that we not only screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding
date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I
took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped
into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and
six-inch stilettos.. I finished it off with a black mask. When my
husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down
and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''
RaverHippie
29-08-2008, 10:25
Random post on a message board concerning american football:
My bedroom is really just a sleep room. No bed. No dresser. Just pillows and blankets everywhere on top of some fouton mats that cover the floor.
And if you wonder why I only have mats and pillows all over my floor. It's quite simple. I HATE when you have a girl stay the night. Then.... after... she wants to snuggle and get all up on you
I HATE wakin up sweatin. Then being kinda "stuck" to some nasty woman is even worse. So no matter how many times they skootch over next to me and try to snuggle... as soon as they go back to sleep I can skoootch over 5' in any direction to get away from them.
Sometimes they wake up against 1 wall... and I'm on the exact other wall. And they always say... "Why are you over there?" And then I always say... "Cause thats how it's gonna be."
Quick and dirty joke:
What does a Mexican say if a house lands on him? ...
'What up Homes."
piggyinthemiddle
18-09-2008, 01:10
What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable boy, when he took a PIN into the inflatable school?
"You've let me down, you've let yourself down, but most of all you've let the school down."
these are the local jokes going around in my 3rd world country South Africa.
Hello, is this the South African Police?"
"E-Yes. What you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding marijiuna inside his firewood."
"Eee-Yes...Thank you for your co-operashun and informashun in combating crime and violence, in our society suh"
The next day, the SAP descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no marijiuna. They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
"Hey, Hendrik! Did the SAP come?"
"Ja!"
"Did they chop your firewood for the braai tonight?"
..Ja...."
"Happy Birthday Boet!"
Shit this is awsome :), does anyone have some more short ones?
My contribution (it probably works best in Norwegian though):
Teacher to the students:
So what do you want to be when you get as big as me Alex?
Alex: Go on a diet.
In Norwegian "getting big" is the same as "what a small kid is going to be when grown up"...