Need Help Helping cocaine addicted boyfriend: child involved

[Shooting Starz]

My boyfriend is an addict he has been an addict to crack for 10 years it was real bad for a long time but over the last couple years its gotten alot better it went from about $1000 a week habbit to a $600 - $800 a month habbit. Which he keeps explaining to me he is alot better than he was before he stays home instead of disappearing and staying gone till he has smoked up all the money. well last week he went back to his old ways so tp speak he left monday morning to go pick up his check and didnt come home i found him at a friend of his house the next after noon his check was $1600 and he only had $130 left he says he only smoked about $700 and then was robbed at gun point for the rest and the $130 was money that was loaned to him by this friend. nothing will convince me that the getting robbed story wasnt a lie due to the fact he looked like he was at the point of ODing and when i finally got him home he slept for 3 days and when he woke he swore he was done with all drugs and wanted my help keeping away from them and his old friends his little adventure caused us to loose our house so i had to go back to my moms and he was homeless i talked a couple of my friends into letting him stay a couple days at thier house i was worried because they do alot of ICE but he said he wasnt going to do any. that turned into a lie and he did smoke it with them he says he didnt but he cant hide it from me because he gets major paranoid plus they told me he did and he wasnt welcome back at thier house because of the way he trips. anyway a couple days laster he comes to me and breaks down crying we talked for 5 hours he truely wants to quit but he has done nothing but get high for most of his life he doesnt know how to life without it when he gets bored thats the only thing he knows same when he gets mad, depressed, or wants to celebrate. he asked for my help because rehabs have never worked for him niether have all the NA, CA, and AA meetings he has tried in the past. he says i make it harder on him sometimes when i bitch to much about what he doesnt do right and i dont tell him enough what he does do right. but its hard to focus on what he does right when its way out numbered by what he does wrong. we are expecting a baby in less than 2 months now we have no home and no car because he smoked up our rent and car payment. so its hard to be happy or not bitch worry or complain. how can i help him and still not have to act like nothing is wrong. how can i help him when he craves the stuff. i have smoked every kind of drug there is but i cant see how a person can need or want the stuff that bad. i can smoke with the best and out smoke a few people but when i put it down im done with it for months and months he seems to need it all the time he works away from home for 2 weeks and he stays sober when he is gone but the 2 weeks he is home he cant seem to stay sober but for maybe 4 days of it. how can i help him understand that there is more to life than dope and impressing his buddies?

[hh339]

10 years...u might consider accepting his addiction unless he truly wants to quit!? it may be a little late for boot camp...

[IHrtHalucingens]

It sounds like you and he need a change of scenery and to distance yourselves from his/your friends that may be a bad influence. Its hard to quit using after that long while most of his friends are still using. I dont know ive never been physically addicted to anything before but cigarettes but i think that if i had a baby coming i would want to clean up for him/her. Ask him if he's willing to make a fresh start somewhere completely new with you, your baby, and no drugs. And as much as i hate to say it, if he cannot do this for you and your baby then maybe its time for you to leave him for the sake of yourself and you childs well being, at least until he realizes he needs to clean up on his own. Either way i wish you all the luck in the world and hope your BF can fight his demons and be a provider for his child.

[MrJim]

I would hate to say it, but for your sake and ESPECIALLY for the sake of your unborn child you should probably just leave him with the understanding that he may come back after 6 or so months completely sober. He will drain your money that should go to feeding the child and medical expenses, he won't provide a safe and secure home for the child and he won't quit. He will cause nothing but hardship for you and your child, but you are a grown person who would know what they are getting into. The child doesn't deserve to have all those money and drug problems around it when it is developing and growing. It needs to have it's own fair shot at a good start and a crackhead dad is worse than no dad at all.
It really saddens me to think that that child isn't even borne yet and already behind the eightball.
If you want to talk about it or anything send me a PM. I'm not a professional, but I do have a psych degree from a good Uni and I know how these family relationships can and can't work.
Take care,
Mrjim

[enquirewithin]

^It is sad but I think that Mr Jim is right. Crackheads don't make good parents. Unless he can make the decision to quit himself, it will never happen.

[Shooting Starz]

He has made the decision to quit by himself. even signed papers for his job to direct deposit his checks into an account that is in my name only. the thing that really makes me think he wants this is the fact that he hitch-hiked to work (its a 5 1/2 hour drive) knowing he could have taken sick days till the next check came in. but he said he needed the sick days for when the baby came. i understand what you all are saying i really am and i have been through hell with this man for 3 years now. I was just hoping for some advice on how i can make it easier on him we want to move away from here we live in a really small town and everyone we know does drugs. his mom is a crackhead/drunk, his dad is a crackhead/pothead, his brother is in prison for selling ICE(meth). Its a town where even the cops are getting profit from the drug sales. but we cant afford to move we lost alot over the past few weeks. before he did his stuff but our bills were paid and we had a home and car now we have pretty much nothing. thanks for listening blowing off steam helps so much when i really have no one else to talk to about it.

[Zaphod_1]

I agree totally with MrJim, your BF may be the most sincere person you ever met and he will have the very best of intentions but bottom line is that he is an addict and he is powerless to keep to his convictions and commitments.

Swim is involved in NA and is > 3 months clean after a recent relapse. The other respondents are right in saying that you cannot make his decision for him nor can you persuade him unless some type of intervention is set up and he is made to see some hard consequences of his behavior and even then, there is no guarantee that he will keep to his decision.

12 Step NA recovery has worked for multitudes of people since 1953, but he's really got to want to recover and for NA to work, he needs to get a Sponsor, communicate with him regularly, work the steps (not just read them) and put his faith in a Higher Power to get his sanity restored.

To quote the NA Basic Text: "Higher mental and emotional functions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by our use of drugs. Living skills were reduced to the animal level. Our spirit was broken. The capacity to feel human was lost. This seems extreme, but many of us have been in this state of mind. We were constantly searching for the answer - that person, place or thing that would make everything all right. We lacked the ability to cope with daily living. As our addiction progressed, many of us found ourselves in and out of institutions......".

I would strongly advise you to get out of this relationship (and far away from him) for the protection of you and your child. Do you really want your child to grow up in an environment where drugs are abused and where the risk of violence from paranoid drug abusers and drug dealers, is ever present? It's a very hard decision for you to make and it's contrary to your instincts when you have such emotional attachment but it would be the right decision especially as it may well be the catalyst in getting your BF to come to his senses.

Remember, when it comes to addiction, we must take it's deadly nature into account and while moving to a new city may help him if he's working a 12 step program of recovery, a simple geographical move on its own will not do either of you any good.

Swim would recommend that you get in touch with NA or Narcanon for more advice, take care and I hope you make the right decision for your safety and peace of mind.

[Alicia]

SwiA hopes it works our for u shooting starz